


How to Get Kicked Out of the Survey Corps

by Aardvark123



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Action, Comedy, Dark Comedy, Gen, Horses, Multi, One Shot Collection, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 21:01:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14387046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aardvark123/pseuds/Aardvark123
Summary: If you've ever wanted to be kicked out of the Survey Corps and/or in the face by Levi, this is the guide for you. Featuring a handy selection of tips and tricks, from behaving like a snivelling coward to sexually harassing your comrades, from stealing food to lying about your secret identity as a titan-shifter! Good times!(Contains anime spoilers up to the end of Series 2, but no manga spoilers. New chapters released sporadically.)





	How to Get Kicked Out of the Survey Corps

"Look sharp, Heike! Seven-metre-class incoming!"

"I see it." The young scout pushed back the fear surging up from her heart. She loosed a billowing plume of red smoke into the sky and urged her horse Kirsten to the left. Heinrich and Magdalena rode close behind her, the latter waving her arms wildly to keep her balance.

The titan was feminine in appearance, or as feminine as a titan could be without needing a bra. She... It... The titan was strolling over the rolling plains towards them, smiling serenely, its immense sail-like ears flapping gently in the breeze.

A few more red flares streaked into the sky, then a green flare, pointed a touch further to the left. Heike allowed herself to relax a little. The formation was working like a well-oiled machine; this particular titan would have to go hungry. Everything was going so much better than last time, what with the traitorous titan-shifters and everything. Nothing could possibly go wrong!

Magdalena let out a piercing scream. Her black roan mare whinnied in horror.

Heike gasped. "Magda, what happened?!"

"She's-! She's-!" Heinrich was speechless, his jaw hanging wide open in shock. Dobbin was galloping along with ease now that he'd calmed down, but Magda was tumbling roughly over the grass towards the Lop-Eared Titaness.

"Oh, Maria's elbows! She's-! It's-! We've got to save her!" cried Heike. One of her worst nightmares was getting perilously close to becoming real.

Heinrich gave a curt nod. "Take her horse. I'll hold the titan at bay."

Heike urged Kirsten into a hasty U-turn, grabbed Dobbin's reins and galloped towards her comrade. Magda was sprinting away from the titan as fast as her lanky legs could carry her, but the titan was outstripping her even at a brisk walk. It would be close at best, but Heike had known Magda long enough not to care.

"MAGDA! GET ON THE HORSE!" Heike practically threw Dobbin out ahead. Magda stumbled past Dobbin and flailed at Kirsten, grabbing desperately at Heike's saddle. Heike screamed and wheeled out of the way. The Lop-Eared Titaness nudged Dobbin aside with her foot.

"Damn it! Take my arm, hurry!" screamed Heinrich, waving his sword at the titan with one hand and reaching the other out as far as it would go. Magda grasped the hand like a lifeline, almost jerking Heinrich off his saddle. His face red from the monumental effort, Heinrich hauled Magda up onto Horse the Fourth behind him.

Heinrich hadn't yet got around to naming his horse, partially because he was still in mourning for his third one. She had been lost in battle and most likely stepped on by Annie.

* * *

Madga had the decency to look sheepish as the trio rode away. "Thanks for the, uh, assistance. I don't know what happened, I was just trying to look at this cute orange butterfly flapping along beside me, and I sort of slipped. And plummeted..."

"Forget it," sighed Heike. Despite the setback losing an entire horse represented, she was glad to have Magdalena safe beside her again. "These things happen, don't they? You two can ride over to the supply wagons and get a fresh horse."

"Yes, if Fourthy can make the trip," said Heinrich grumpily.

"Um, aren't we a bit behind already, though?" said Magda.

"Yes... It can't be helped, though." Heike sighed. They were heading towards a small, dense woodland, not the ideal place to be short of a horse. She remembered having seen a shallow valley on the far side a couple of missions ago, though. "All right, once we're through this forest it'll be downhill, so you should be able to-"

Magda screamed in terror. Heinrich barely had a moment to react before Horse the Fourth was bucking him clean into the bushes and sprinting away.

"Oh, Sina's armpits! Wh-what-?!" Heike pulled sharply on the reins, drawing Kirsten to a halt. The horse glared balefully at Heike as she dismounted, with a look in her eyes not altogether unlike that of her namesake horse-faced bastard.

Heike sprinted towards her fallen comrades, stumbling over a heavy mushroom as she went. "Magda! Heinrich! Speak to me!"

Heinrich was sprawled between two birch trees. He groaned and rubbed the back of his head. "I'm fine... What... What happened?"

"Thank the walls..." A heavy weight fell from Heike's heart. It jumped back on moments later when she noticed Magda lying lifelessly in a patch of bluebells. "Magda! Oh, Magda, tell me you're not dead!"

Magdalena said nothing.

"Please..." Tears welled up in the corners of Heike's eyes. "Don't leave me. Oh, Magda... I lo-"

Magda leapt to her feet with a panicked yelp. "M-my arms! Aaagh-! Shit!"

Heike ran forwards to catch Magda as she toppled over. She couldn't believe she was still alive, safe and sound in her arms once more. "Oh, Magda..." Heike's voice caught. She burst into tears of joy and held Magda tight against her body.

"Ow. Ouch. Ow! H-Heike, my arms...!" whimpered Magda, shifting awkwardly. "I... I was stretching, and a branch sort of..."

"For the Walls' sakes, you were stretching?! Why would you do that?!" Heinrich kicked a stone into the bushes and stomped towards his comrades. "Do you realise you almost killed us both?! The wobbly thing at the back of Rosé's throat, Magda, you can't keep doing stupid things!"

"Heinrich. It's okay." Heike wiped her eyes on Magda's jacket and rose to her feet. "We're a team, and that means we stick together through thick and thin."

"Well, I'm sorry, but this is her fault!" snapped Heinrich.

"So what?! Throwing blame around won't get Horse the Fourth back any faster or keep the titans away for a second longer!" Having just got her back, Heike wasn't about to let anybody mess with her... Yes, she was going to say it. Her beloved. "Besides, some people are simply born clumsy."

"Hey, I'm trying my best! I'm not like Captain Levi or that scarf girl, I'm only human!" said Magda, pouting fiercely. "I'll try to be careful. Just... I mean..."

Heinrich sighed. "We need to get Fourthy back and get out of here. Heike, can you ride ahead and look for him?"

"Of course." Heike knew there was no time for a big argument. If Heinrich had a plan, she was up for it.

"Good. Magda and I will wait in the trees."

"Um, about that..." Magda laughed nervously. "My left arm's broken. How am I supposed to use my 3DMG?"

"Right," growled Heinrich. "We'll walk together."

Magda nodded. Flanked by Heike, Heinrich and Kirsten, she walked at a brisk pace for all of twelve steps before stubbing her toe on a fallen tree.

Magda howled in pain and fell to her knees, only to howl in even more pain when her arm touched the forest floor. Heinrich looked at Heike and breathed a heavy sigh.

* * *

After a few minutes of struggle, Magda had been seated safely and comfortably on Kirsten. Heinrich held her up with a firm hand against her back while Heike hacked a safe path through the bushes, slicing carefully to keep her blades sharp.

The warm sun dazzled Heike as she stepped out from under the trees. The valley stretched out ahead of her, a wide, shallow bowl of grass bisected by a slender river. Horse the Fourth was taking a cool, refreshing drink, flanked by two bearded ten-metre-class titans and watched over by the Lop-Eared Titaness.

"Oh, Sina's earlobes..." breathed Heike.

"There are three of them," said Heinrich flatly. "Three. One each. Easy. Yes, we're home free now."

The titaness's immense ears twitched. She nudged one of the beardies and started up the shallow slope to the forest, wide-eyed with delight.

"What do we do?" said Magda fearfully. "I... I'm scared..."

Heike looked at the trio of hungry titans striding towards them. She looked at Magda, poor, clumsy Magda, with at least two bones broken and no hope of surviving a fight. She looked at brave, gruff Heinrich, as strong as an ox and just about agile enough to make use of his power. They had one horse, no tall trees or buildings, but plenty of supplies.

Heike squared her shoulders. "Magda, get down. I'm going to need Kirsten."

"You're-?! Heike, you'll never beat them!" cried Heinrich.

"I might not," said Heike matter-of-factly, "but they'll have their work cut out with me anyway. You signal for help and get Magda out of here-"

Magda screamed. Kirsten was rearing up in a terrible panic.

"Maria's ladygarden! Jump, Magda!" screamed Heike.

"I-I can't!" wailed Magda. She made a grab for the reins, fumbled them and kneed Kirsten in the flank, spurring her into a gallop. Kirsten thundered down towards the titans.

"I... I don't believe it..." breathed Heike.

Magda desperately clamped a sword between her teeth, drew the other with her good arm and took a swipe at the stockier ten-metre-class titan. Her mouth-sword caught inside his calf and against Magda's teeth, yanking her down onto the grass. She screamed in pain as her shattered limb and toe hit the ground.

"Damn you! Don't you dare touch her!" Heike had seen all she could take. Trembling with rage, she drew her swords and took aim at the Lop-Eared Titaness.

A heavy hand seized Heike's shoulder. "Are you mad?! Without a horse, you don't stand a chance!" cried Heinrich. "Heike, please... I know it hurts, but it's better she dies than both of you."

"Shut up!" Heike threw Heinrich's hand off and stopped dead. Magda was dangling helplessly in the Lop-Eared Titaness's grip.

"M-my, what big teeth you have," Magda whimpered as the titaness savoured the scent of fresh human. The titan licked her lips, savouring the taste of... her lips, and lowered Magda into her jaws.

"Magda! NO!" Tears were streaming down Heike's face. "Sh-she was so... Heinrich, you bastard, I could've saved her! I... I could've... I don't..."

At that moment, the Rogue and Female Titans came charging over the horizon!

" **Are we in time for the completely unrealistic happy ending?** " asked Annie, in the tones of a very big person with too many teeth.

"I... I... M-maybe?" breathed Heinrich, scarcely able to believe what he was seeing. He'd heard Annie was going to be allowed to join the Survey Corps, having promised to be good from then on, but he had assumed it was nothing more than a drunken rumour.

"The one with the ears a-ate-" Heike swallowed. "She ate Magda! Hurry!"

With a roar like the concentrated essence of humanity's rage, Eren stormed towards the ten-metre-class titans and fell upon them like an avenging angel. It was but the work of a moment for him to bash their heads together, stomp all over them and tear out the napes of their necks.

Ignoring the roars and splatters of blood, Annie stepped calmly over to the Lop-Eared Titaness, ripped her head off and fished out the mildly dissolved Magda.

* * *

"Well, Magdalena," said Annie heavily, once she and Eren were back to normal, "since you've caused so much strife lately, you might as well make yourself useful. Here's a pink flare."

Magda accepted the flare, wincing as her acid-ravaged fingers closed around the metal cartridge. She stuffed it into her flare gun, aimed skywards and squeezed the trigger.

Nothing happened.

"That's strange..." Magda squinted into the barrel. "Maybe if I do this-"  
FOOM!

"Aaaauuuugh! Maria's shoulder-blades, my face!"


End file.
